1 post tagged “manipulation”

I've posted under this same title and topic on my MySpace, but - I feel it's so important for people to realize that this is a real form of abuse and manipulation. Recently, I was Gaslighted by someone I thought I trusted. For weeks, I thought I was losing my mind. What was I doing wrong? They say that they care for me and that I can be honest with them - but, why do they get angry and withdraw when I express my feelings? I didn't realize until after the fact that what was happening had an actual name. I can't begin to express the relief I felt. I knew I wasn't crazy, and that my suspicions had been "spot on". Now, I didn't write the text below - and I don't remember my source, but it was an accredited one. Please feel free to Google it and compare - or, ask a professional whom you trust.

Are You Being Gaslighted?

Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time.

Your boss backed you on a project when you met privately in his office, and you went full steam ahead. But at a large gathering of staff - including yours - he suddenly changes his tune and publicly criticizes your poor judgment. When you tell him your concerns for how this will affect your authority, he tells you that the project was ill-conceived and you'll have to be more careful in the future. You begin to question your competence.

Your mother belittles your clothes, your job, your friends, and your boyfriend. But instead of fighting back as your friends encourage you to do, you tell them that your mother is often right and that a mature person should be able to take a little criticism.

If you think things like this can't happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is when someone wants you to do what you know you shouldn't and to believe the unbelievable. It can happen to you and it probably already has.

How do we know? If you consider answering "yes" to even one of the following questions, you've probably been gaslighted:

Does your opinion of yourself change according to approval or disapproval from your spouse?

When your boss praises you, do you feel as if you could conquer the world?

Do you dread having small things go wrong at home - buying the wrong brand of toothpaste, not having dinner ready on time, a mistaken appointment written on the calendar?

Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from. That's because it plays into one of our worst fears - of being abandoned - and many of our deepest needs: to be understood, appreciated, and loved. In this groundbreaking guide, the prominent therapist Dr. Robin Stern shows how the Gaslight Effect works and tells you how to:

Turn up your Gaslight Radar, so you know when a relationship is headed for trouble

Determine whether you are enabling a gaslighter

Recognize the Three Stages of Gaslighting: Disbelief, Defense, and Depression

Refuse to be gaslighted by using the Five Rules for Turning Off the Gas

Develop your own "Gaslight Barometer" so you can decide which relationships can be saved -and which you have to walk away from

Learn how to Gasproof Your Life so that you'll never again choose another gaslighting relationship.

EX: Sabotage

LIZ is a top-level executive in a major advertising firm. A stylish woman in her late forties with a solid, twenty-year marriage and no children, she's worked hard to get where she is, pouring all her extra energy into her career. Now she seems to be on the verge of reaching her goal, in line to take over the company's New York office.

Then, at the last minute, someone else is brought in to take the job. Liz swallows her pride and offers to give him all the help she can. At first, the new boss seems charming and appreciative. But soon Liz starts to notice that she's being left out of important decisions and not invited to major meetings. She hears rumors that clients are being told she doesn't want to work with them anymore and has recommended that they speak to her new boss instead. When she complains to her colleagues, they look at her in bewilderment. "But he always praises you to the skies," they insist. "Why would he say such nice things if he was out to get you?"

Finally, Liz confronts her boss, who has a plausible explanation for every incident. "Look," he says kindly at the end of the meeting. "I think you're being way too sensitive about all this - maybe even a little paranoid. Would you like a few days off to de-stress?"

Liz feels completely disabled. She knows she's being sabotaged - but why is she the only one who thinks so?